WANTED: Owner's Manual for a Female 1996 Model Child

I hope someone out there might be able to help. I need the detailed instruction manual for a 1996 model child.

We are the original owners/parents. For the first ten years, no real complaints. Everything seemed to run smoothly and work great. Then suddenly I would notice little things here and there, like the child’s eyes rolling almost every time I spoke. This was one of the first of many malfunctions. A few of the others are:

Child’s room, along with pretty much any place in the house she spends time in, are complete disaster zones. The upkeep is really taking its toll. Trails of little wrappers, garbage, empty food containers and dirty cups follow her everywhere.

Subject has also begun to slam doors.

The maintenance costs have also skyrocketed. The “needed” stuff to participate in all the typical daily female activities has gone up more than 500% in a 5 year period. Even with the added tax benefit she brings, I am WAY in the red on this investment.

We’re also having several annoying communication errors. When the child is asked questions, or you try to talk to her, her answers almost always contain just one syllable, spoken in aggravated tone. Unit is also making a “Tssss” sound. This is often in conjunction with the eye rolling, and accompanied by a terribly disdainful vibe.

If someone out there, anybody, anywhere, has the manual for this model child I’d gladly pay anything for it! Must contain the “Troubleshooting, Solutions & Adolescence” section. I’m sure many of you will just tell us to read the “Ass Beatings are a Good Thing” chapter. It probably would help the problem, & we haven’t yet ruled that out. Just want to start with the legal solutions.