Saturday, May 30, 2009

WANTED: Owner's Manual for a Female 1996 Model Child

I hope someone out there might be able to help. I need the detailed instruction manual for a 1996 model child.

We are the original owners/parents. For the first ten years, no real complaints. Everything seemed to run smoothly and work great. Then suddenly I would notice little things here and there, like the child’s eyes rolling almost every time I spoke. This was one of the first of many malfunctions. A few of the others are:

Child’s room, along with pretty much any place in the house she spends time in, are complete disaster zones. The upkeep is really taking its toll. Trails of little wrappers, garbage, empty food containers and dirty cups follow her everywhere.

Subject has also begun to slam doors.

The maintenance costs have also skyrocketed. The “needed” stuff to participate in all the typical daily female activities has gone up more than 500% in a 5 year period. Even with the added tax benefit she brings, I am WAY in the red on this investment.

We’re also having several annoying communication errors. When the child is asked questions, or you try to talk to her, her answers almost always contain just one syllable, spoken in aggravated tone. Unit is also making a “Tssss” sound. This is often in conjunction with the eye rolling, and accompanied by a terribly disdainful vibe.

If someone out there, anybody, anywhere, has the manual for this model child I’d gladly pay anything for it! Must contain the “Troubleshooting, Solutions & Adolescence” section. I’m sure many of you will just tell us to read the “Ass Beatings are a Good Thing” chapter. It probably would help the problem, & we haven’t yet ruled that out. Just want to start with the legal solutions.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

I am the flag of the
United States of America

I fly atop the world's tallest buildings.
I stand watch in America's halls of justice.
I stand side by side with the Maple Leaf on the world's
longest undefended border.
I fly majestically over institutions of learning.
I stand guard with power in the world.
Look up and see me.

I stand for peace, honor, truth and justice.
I stand for freedom.
I am confident.
I am arrogant.
I am proud.

When I am flown with my fellow banners,
my head is a little higher,
my colors a little truer.

I bow to no one!
I am recognized all over the world.
I am honored - I am saluted.
I am loved - I am revered.
I am respected -- and I am feared.

I have fought in every battle of every war for more than 200 years. I was flown at Valley Forge, Gettysburg, Shiloh and Appomattox. I was there at San Juan Hill, the trenches of France, in the Argonne Forest, Anzio, Rome and the beaches of Normandy, Guam, Okinawa, Korea and KheSan, Saigon Vietnam.

Know me, I was there.

I led my troops, I was dirty, battle worn and tired,
but my soldiers cheered me, and I was proud.
I have been burned, torn and trampled on the streets of countries I have helped set free. It does not hurt, for I am invincible.

I have been soiled upon, burned, torn and trampled on the streets of my country. And when it's by those whom I've served in battle -- it hurts.
But I shall overcome -- for I am strong.

I have slipped the bonds of Earth and stood watch over the uncharted frontiers of space from my vantage point on the moon.
I have borne silent witness to all of America's finest hours.

But my finest hours are yet to come.
When I am torn into strips and used as bandages for my wounded comrades on the battlefield,
When I am flown at half-mast to honor my soldiers,
or when I lie in the trembling arms of a grieving parent at the grave of their fallen son or daughter, I am proud.


Please take a moment to remember those who gave their lives to preserve our freedom and protect our country.

When you see military personnel, thank them for everything they do. Keep them in your thoughts and pray for their safety.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Shame on You, Marshall Mathers ( Eminem )

I consider myself to be a lover of most music and I'm not ashamed to admit that I used to listen to Enimen years ago. Despite that fact that his language was foul, I dug most of his sarcastic, "Slim Shady" songs.

Thinking that his latest album "Relapse" would be more of the same, I picked up a copy. Imagine, a 44 year old woman at Target tossing an Eminem CD in her cart - right next to the "Hanes Her Way" 8-pack but enough about my underpants (ain't no way you can refer to them as "panties").

I got in the car and popped the CD in and listened to it while I had to drive to the city. I knew his the lyrics would be profane but being that I am big believer in using profanity, "every day and every way", this did not deter or shock me.

What did shock me were the actual lyrics. Eminem's not much younger than me and I'm quite concerned about the message he's willfully sending out to young adults. In several songs, there were references to mood-altering drugs thus the album's title "Relapse".

There was a song about him picking up a girl on the side of the road and raping her. There was also references to him being raped and forced to perform oral sex on his stepfather while being burned with cigarettes. One song, "Medicine Ball", prompted the removal of this garbage from my CD player. In this "song" (and I use the word "song" loosely), he raps about giving a girl an abortion with a wire hanger and eating the fetus. As if it could get any worse, he imitates Christopher Reeves "gasping for air" for shock" value, I guess.

Having said that, I can honestly state that "Relapse" is vile, a complete waste of money and if this is this is the sort of music Eminem makes while in sobriety, someone get him a "hit of something", stat!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Stila's Back online and they have Creme Bouquet!!

At this point, they only have the smaller roll on in stock but it's there. Grab it while you can!!!